2: Decisions

With my determination in hand, I sought out a group that would meet my needs. I chose Spiritual Journeys.  Simultaneously, I was busily trying to sort out the childcare I needed if I was going on my own to make this happen. Nothing seemed to fit what we needed, my mother and sisters all work, my husband has long hours, my in-laws live in London, not many choices left. My only option was to put them in childcare for 2 weeks and pray that they would adjust and cope with me gone.  Deep in my heart I knew I couldn't leave them, this would have to be a journey we all took together as a family. Initially, it was not an easy pill to swallow. My vision of sitting peacefully reciting, praying, reflecting at any time and for however long, were now being challenged and I have to admit I panicked.

Masjid Kufa

I could fully imagine the whining, crying, nappy changing, toilet taking, feeding, dressing, lifting, consoling, explaining, and washing, that I would be in store for. However, I came to terms with the fact that going together as a family would mean that all of us would be at peace and that in itself would bring about a different sort of spiritual satisfaction and reward. This would be my struggle and my test, this was how desperate I was to visit the foundations of this faith.
The happiness I saw in their eyes when they heard the news, of travelling together, melted any bitterness I had left.  I submitted to Allah's will and mercy and accepted my invitation to my blessed Imams as a part of whole.

That decision made, next was the planning and preparation, which, with children, especially 4, always requires attention to detail.

1: Intention

Imam Sadiq (a.s.) narrates, 'Allah has appointed some angels at Imam Husain's grave. When a Shia makes the intention for Imam Husain's (a.s.) Ziarat, Allah forgives all his sins. When he takes a step to go for Ziarat, he erases his sins. His virtues multiply and they increase till the time he becomes worthy of Paradise’. 

(Wasailul Mohibbeen, pg. 280)

Our new year begins without the fireworks and celebration but with the same reflection of months past and resolutions for the coming ones.  Moharram 2011/2012 was a pivotal month for me, Allah(swt) opened my heart and eyes this year, opened my eyes to my wasteful and material lifestyle, made it clearer to me about the dangers of this world and false notions of what's important.  With each string I was breaking that held me to this world I felt I was being pulled closer to the calling of my Imams. With each description of pilgrims, that Sayed Ammar Nakshawani narrated, who flock to our beloved Imams and weep in their presence humbly rubbing their cheeks against the bars that keep them apart, I felt an increasing desire I hadn't really felt before other than when I was summoned on hajj in 2006. Its an insatiable voice, it stops at nothing, it has a mind of its own and will not be silenced until it is aim is met.  And that is when my Ziyarat began.

Initially, I was selfish, I only thought of myself going, to fulfill that burning desire I had inside, however, my kids would have none of it. I have a 13 yr old, a 9 yr. old, 4 yr. old, and a 3 yr old. Yes, a mother of 4. Of course, I had no intention whatsoever of taking my younger 2 because that would mean less ibadat for me, less focus, less time, less independence. I couldn't even imagine them coming with me. My initial vision was being completely lost in devotion in the very threshold of ahle Muhammad. That of course was not the case...